Saying
“No” in New York City and across
the nation
I traveled to New York City on Tuesday,
January 9 to launch my latest book, No,
Why Kids – of All Ages – Need
to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It.
The visit was overwhelming to say the least.
It seems the messages in “No”
are striking a national nerve. Many people
want to share their “ah-ha” moments
with me when the messages of “No”
hit home. Their stories paint a powerful
picture.
A father shared with me that his 14-year-old
daughter had run up a $120 phone bill and
simply expected her parents to foot the
bill. A mother had a blow out fight with
her 14-year-old daughter because she wouldn’t
go out and buy her daughter a new cell phone
to replace the one she had lost. Another
mother realized that she couldn’t say
No to her kids because she didn’t know
how to say No to herself. A father faced
a violent tantrum when he asked his son
to stop playing video games and come to
dinner. Ah-ha.
What qualities do we value in our kids?
These ah-ha moments are instructive to us
as parents. It’s when we realize that
the media messages promoting More, Fast,
Easy and Fun are powerful. It’s
when we realize that these “Yes”
media messages undermine the universal qualities
that we would like to see in our grown children.
Virtues like perseverance, patience, commitment,
determination, and diligence. It’s
when we realize that these traits don’t
come automatically; kids learn them.
They should learn them from us.
And it’s never too late to set a good
example. After reading No, a woman
had the courage to approach an unruly group
of seventh- and eighth-graders on a New
York City bus who were being disrespectful
to other passengers. She told them politely
but firmly that their behavior was inappropriate.
After a few weak wisecracks to diffuse the
tension, the kids apologized and settled
down. Ah-ha.
Reclaiming powerful parenting strategies
in the media age
Of course, setting limits and saying “No”
isn’t always easy. In fact, usually
saying “Yes” is the quick fix
for temper tantrums with our two year olds
and cold conversations with our teens. However,
the reward for saying “No” is
far greater farther down the line. Listen
to Linda’s story. I met Linda in New
York. She is a single mom who works two
jobs. Her schedule doesn’t permit her
to spend lots of time with her kids, so
when she does get to see them she wants
the experience to be positive and happy.
However, things were getting out of control.
Nothing was ever good enough to keep them
happy for long. Saying “Yes” was
becoming a full-time job she couldn’t
afford. After hearing the message in my
new book, Linda realized that she wasn’t
doing her kids any favors by putting short
term relief over the health and development
of her kids. Does that mean she has to become
a boot-camp mom? Of course not. It does
mean that setting healthy limits will ensure
that her kids develop the skills they need
to succeed. Her kids will no doubt thank
her down the road.
That’s the news from the road,
Dr. David Walsh
President and founder, National Institute
on Media and the Family
